I know that you may have been through deeply disturbing experiences that still have a hold on your soul and body. Upsetting memories of traumatic experiences may monopolise your thoughts, causing you to believe that what you’ve been through is somehow your fault.
Well, it is not you.
It may be that toxic shame is eating away at your self-esteem, happiness, and well-being.
In today’s article, we will look at the experience of shame from the perspective of a UK born, black woman, a perspective that many of us may identify with.
Understanding Shame: When Does Normal Shame Become Toxic?
We all harbour shame when our words, appearances, or behaviour don’t match our standards or what others expect of us. But shame is a feeling deeply rooted in how we see ourselves. It’s a self-conscious emotion that stems from feelings of unworthiness, inadequacy, and disgrace.
It doesn’t separate our actions from who we are. Unlike guilt, which focuses on specific behaviours (“I did something wrong”), shame targets our sense of self (“I am wrong”).
Trauma & Shame
Shame can stem from childhood trauma. It’s common if you were raised by neglectful, abusive, or overly critical caregivers that you may internalise the belief that you somehow deserved mistreatment.
Another possibility is growing up in an environment where you were expected to just get on with it when times got tough. Perhaps asking for help was seen as a weakness, and therefore, feeling like you need help can lead to feeling that you have fallen short.
This can lead to a belief that they are undeserving of love, respect, and support. This can, in turn, lead to struggles with confidence and self-esteem, causing feelings of unworthiness and self-sabotaging behaviours.
For black women, there is often an added layer of shame as we navigate societal pressures associated with both race and gender. From a young age, many of us may have been explicitly or subtly told that we are either “too much” or “not enough. Whether it was about our appearance, speaking up, or cultural background.
This may not have come from our caregivers, it may have been the day to day challenges of navigating school and society in general which led to feelings that you are just not enough.
Signs of Toxic Shame You Should Recognise
Recognizing toxic shame is the first step toward overcoming it.
Low self-esteem
As black women, we often carry the weight of toxic shame that tells us we’re not enough, leaving us feeling unworthy of love or success.
Mental Health and Behavior Challenges
This shame can lead to anxiety, depression, and unhealthy coping mechanisms as we internalise messages that we must be perfect to prove our worth.
Isolation and Loneliness
We may isolate ourselves, afraid of judgment or vulnerability.
Perfectionism
The constant struggle to be “good enough” can drive us into perfectionism and burnout, thinking we must overperform just to belong. Learn more about how to break free from this cycle and reclaim your power here.
Seeking approval
You may be seeking approval through endless apologies and feelings of guilt even when you’re not at fault at all.
How to Overcome Shame and Get Back to Yourself
Understand the roots of your shame.
Identify situations or thoughts that trigger shame and where they stem from.
Set healthy boundaries.
Learn to say “no” without feeling guilty and prioritise your needs in relationships.
Challenge negative self-talk.
When you catch yourself thinking negatively about yourself, ask whether those thoughts are true or just internalised beliefs from past experiences. Replace them with positive affirmations.
Practice self-compassion.
The best way to overcome shame is by being kind to yourself and accepting who you are. Treating yourself with love and understanding can help you deal with negative thoughts and be more forgiving.
Seek Support.
Opening up to people you trust and seeking their support is crucial to overcoming shame.
Seek professional help.
If shame is deeply rooted, working with a therapist can help you unpack and heal from childhood experiences or societal pressures that contribute to it.
Conclusion
Shame is one of the most challenging emotions to deal with, as it stems from a deep-seated belief that there’s something fundamentally broken within us.
It’s time to break free from these expectations and set boundaries that honour our true worth because we deserve love, success, and respect just as we are.
My culturally sensitive approach will help you feel heard, seen, and understood. Contact me to book a free 15-minute consultation to explore how we can work together.
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