5 ways to cope with upsetting memories
Introduction
Do you struggle to cope with upsetting memories that impact you regularly? Don’t miss these five effective strategies.
What is the impact of trying to cope with upsetting memories?
This is Nadine, she struggles with upsetting memories on a regular basis.
Nadine has been working on a massive project at work. After many challenging months, Nadine has managed to put together a presentation that really showcases her fantastic work. The last hurdle is to present her work to the CEO and CFO of her organisation. Nadine’s work will make a ground-breaking change for the company she works for. She is clear that this will help her to secure a promotion to Senior Partner.
On the morning of the presentation, Nadine gets into her car to make her way to work. As she shuts the door to her car, she suddenly has a powerful memory of hearing her father’s car door shut. In her mind’s eye, she sees her dad’s car drive away, and this is the last she ever saw of him. At that moment, she is overwhelmed with feelings of worthlessness.
Nadine remembers believing that she was to blame for him leaving. This was the point that a significant seed was sown. A grain of belief that she was not worth much to others. This same belief took hold as she got older and developed into a strong sense that if she did not present herself as the perfect girlfriend, employee, friend and lawyer, people around her would see how worthless she was and reject her.
Nadine notices the shift
Nadine notices that familiar sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. She sits in her car for an hour, trying to recover from the flashback. She manages to get to the presentation and performs well. The CEO and CFO are impressed and agree to fully implement her suggestions. While Nadine was super excited that this went well, she also had a strong sense that she had managed to get away with her colleagues, not finding out how awful she really was at the core.
Nadine then concludes that she needs to work even harder to ensure that her “secret” of being worthless doesn’t get discovered by those around her. She drives herself to achieve more, never say no to requests for help and being the girlfriend she believes her partner wants.
She falls into bed each night feeling completely exhausted with constantly trying to meet the expectations of others to distract them from discovering how awful she is.
I am sure that you can see from the above example that Nadine is plagued by memories from the past that she has interpreted in a particular way. She feels overwhelmed and unable to live freely due to a worry about being rejected by others.
Why do we feel plagued by upsetting memories?
Many of us have had painful experiences in the past that it is difficult to move forward from. Traumatic situations like the example of Nadine above. The situation that Nadine is reminded of regularly is seeing her father driving away in his car and never returning. This was clearly very upsetting for Nadine.
However, you may have noticed that Nadine interpreted her father leaving in a particular way. While her father leaving was extremely upsetting, the aspect of the situation that appears to be most difficult is what she believed it meant about her.
In essence, Nadine believed that her father left because she was worthless and not worth his time. It is crucial to notice that the worst aspect of the memory for Nadine was the belief that she was worthless and would therefore be rejected. This meant that she saw all future issues through the vantage point of being worthless.
Five methods for coping with upsetting memories
1. Stop and notice
What was going on at the time when you experienced the upsetting memory? Where were you? What were you doing? Who were you with? What feelings were stirred up in you? You may have also noticed physical sensations. It may be that you saw a churning in your stomach or that a tension headache started.
If you notice specific thoughts, they are likely linked to beliefs about yourself, others or the world in general. Is it possible that these beliefs you have may be down to the traumatic event/s rather than something inherently bad about you?
You may not get the chance to do this at the time, but sit down and ask yourself the above questions at some point later in the day. Use a journal or notepad to record your answers.
The following few times, you experience an upsetting memory go through a similar process of answering these questions. After you have done this a few times, look over your answers.
You will likely notice a theme that may reveal the answer of whether there is something inherently wrong with you or whether there is a possibility that your beliefs may be linked to your traumatic or upsetting memories.
2. Take time out for yourself
This sounds like a simple suggestion, but it can substantially impact your mood and general well-being. Let’s go back to Nadine for an example of how she did this.
Nadine lived in a busy city but enjoyed watching the world go by at dusk. She loved the hum of the traffic below her and the serenity of the sky above her. So, a few times per week, she would go to the top of her block of flats at dusk and take a few moments of herself.
Nadine noticed a few things when she did this. It became something that she looked forward to. She noticed that her shoulders relaxed, and she felt she could just exhale.
In fact, for Nadine, it was only when she started doing this that she realised how much time she spent holding her breath or bracing herself for something awful to happen. This simple action helped Nadine feel better as it helped her get some space from her upsetting thoughts.
If you struggle with this activity, take a look at my blog post on managing anxiety here.
For you, taking time out for yourself might be taking the dog for a walk, going for a walk, or spending time with friends. Think about what you can do and schedule it in as you would any other necessary appointment.
3. Consider how you would help a friend to cope with upsetting memories
Often, we will judge ourselves far more harshly than we would a friend or loved one. If you have negative thoughts or feelings about yourself as a result of an upsetting memory, picture a close friend and think about what you would say to them in a similar situation. Use a notepad or journal and write down what you say to them. How you would feel about what they told you. Also, write down what you want them to know from you as a friend and what you think they need.
Taking a step back in this way can help you shift your perspective. To see situations in a way that is more likely to be balanced and compassionate.
4. Assess your beliefs
If you believe something negative about yourself due to what happened, take twenty minutes to do the following exercise. What belief do you have about yourself, the world or others that are linked to this memory? How much (%) do you believe this to be true. Note down any other possible reasons why that thing may have happened. Stick with the exercise, and list down everything you can, even those things that seem unlikely. Then put everything in your list into a pie chart attributing a percentage for each.
Your beliefs may also be linked to how you feel more generally. If you think you might be depressed, take a look at this article for some effective tools to improve how you feel.
5. Think about where you are currently
Think about your life today. Do you have any evidence about any other aspects of who you are (if you have a negative belief about yourself)? Note these down and start to keep a tally for things that confirm your beliefs based on your traumatic experience and those that don’t. This will help you to get some distance from your memories.
If you struggle with sleep as a result of these memories, take a look at my article on sleep, you may find it helpful.
In conclusion
Upsetting memories may cause you to feel anxious or depressed. In that case, it is essential to reflect on what beliefs you may have about yourself, the world or others as a result. Are you living your life in a particular way due to these beliefs? I would love to hear if you find any of the above methods helpful. Please do let me know in the comments below. You can also contact me here. Either way, I will be sure to come back to you.
If you feel that you need support to work through some of your upsetting memories and the linked beliefs, perhaps therapy may help. Another option is to subscribe to my email list to receive a short but effective exercise that can help you at those times when you feel overwhelmed. I will keep in touch on a regular basis with other freebies, tips and tools that I think might help. Click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation to discuss working together.